punkas title for the best joke

All that crap that doesn't fit any of the other forums
Kev Japan
Posts: 2400
Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 12:14 pm

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Kev Japan » Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:09 am

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are magic mushrooms on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I grew magic mushrooms on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these mushrooms and trip balls. Without you being just the way you are, I would not have the ability to trip the fuck out an have conversations with clay pots"

x tracker x
Posts: 554
Joined: Mon Feb 03, 2003 8:57 pm
Location: ONYX

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby x tracker x » Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:11 am

knock knock
who's there?
jesus
jesus who?

exactly!

User avatar
Horus
Posts: 1423
Joined: Mon Oct 03, 2005 2:58 pm
Location: Blockhouse Bay

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Horus » Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:15 am

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a Wellington restaurant, and notices that the three Japanese businessmen sitting there are furiously masturbating.

She says, “What the hell do you guys think you’re doing?”

One of the Japs says, “We are all berry hungry.”

The waitress says, “So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?”

Another Jap replies, “Because menu say, first come first served.”

BigBadBazza
Posts: 793
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2006 7:49 pm

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby BigBadBazza » Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:28 pm

^ racist
Salvador Dali wrote:Everyone should eat hashish, but only once.

User avatar
Dead Kid
Posts: 6317
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 5:52 pm
Location: Porirua
Contact:

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Dead Kid » Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:02 pm

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician who broke his calculator? He had to work out his logs with a slide rule.
General Mutante wrote:"So you think you're floating in mint sauce son"

nzdeadbaby
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:40 pm

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby nzdeadbaby » Tue Jul 13, 2010 8:28 pm

Kev Japan wrote:An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are magic mushrooms on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I grew magic mushrooms on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these mushrooms and trip balls. Without you being just the way you are, I would not have the ability to trip the fuck out an have conversations with clay pots"

:fadein:

User avatar
Whitey
Posts: 2891
Joined: Wed Mar 03, 2004 10:13 pm
Location: Roskill

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Whitey » Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:52 am

Someone's probably said this already...

What's purple and makes women cry?
Cot Death.
BigBadBazza wrote:keep your shit life experiences for facebook status updates

Image

martyrdamn
Posts: 2744
Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2005 10:51 am
Location: christchurch

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby martyrdamn » Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:16 pm

Whitey wrote:Someone's probably said this already...

What's purple and makes women cry?
Cot Death.


what's purple and makes the world cry?
whitey, because he fucks up jokes.

what's a foot long, has a purple head and makes women scream?
cot death
Image

User avatar
Rude Mike
Posts: 1570
Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:26 am
Location: WEST FUCKN SIDE

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Rude Mike » Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:43 pm

what's brown and gurgles?

baby in a casserole.
PILLAGE - http://www.myspace.com/pillagegppvt
Thrashing grinding powerviolence coming straight at you at the speed of death.

User avatar
Phlegethon
Posts: 4518
Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2004 2:45 pm
Location: Well im Peepin and im creepin and im creep-in
Contact:

Re: free punkas title for who tells the best joke to matt an

Postby Phlegethon » Wed Jul 14, 2010 9:53 pm

Phlegethon wrote:A Neutron walks into the bar and asks the barkeep how much for a drink, to which the barkeep replies: "for you mate, no charge!"


you fuckin yams, this contest has been going for over a year and ive still not been bestowed winner??

User avatar
daggers
Posts: 8619
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2005 9:54 pm
Location: beat it, valley jerk!

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby daggers » Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:23 pm

here's a good one..

one day two admins walked into a forum and made a thread promising custom member titles
https://www.discogs.com/user/daggers_NZ/collection

User avatar
Horus
Posts: 1423
Joined: Mon Oct 03, 2005 2:58 pm
Location: Blockhouse Bay

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Horus » Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:25 pm

Well you guys have all (mostly) posted awesome jokes, but how the fuck is anyone gonna choose which of these mega wins the title?

User avatar
xSUSPECTx
argumentative cunt
Posts: 10959
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 12:18 pm
Location: the straight edge

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby xSUSPECTx » Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:27 pm

oh sorry guys... i got it.
Carly Ngarotata-Simon wrote:U misd two commas u illiterate fuk. It should read...mainstream, whilst at the same time, ... Who da dumb cunt now. Im bilingual. I can txt speak n also write in 'proper' english havin bn a legal secretary 4 13 years. So im actualy fukn streams ahead in inteligence ova u. Plus i hav a life! I dnt waste my time typing evry leta out cos i have a life! Dum ass. Peace, im out. Hahahahaha

Spots2012 wrote:do animal rights activists vehemently oppose Maori eating pigs etc, or are they willing to let that one slide?

User avatar
Drax
Posts: 5023
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 3:17 am
Contact:

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Drax » Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:59 pm

Horus wrote:Well you guys have all (mostly) posted awesome jokes, but how the fuck is anyone gonna choose which of these mega wins the title?

I don't know!
Image

User avatar
Spots2012
Posts: 1885
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 1:16 am

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Spots2012 » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:17 am

Joke:
Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.

Joke:
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.

Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

Joke:
Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

Joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, “That look delicious!” But pig say, “No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog.”

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

Joke:
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

Joke:
What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Joke:
Latvian is capture by cannibals. Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your death.” Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!” But oops! Is forgot how use!

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

Q: what is happening if you cross Latvian and potato?
A: this is cruel joke. please, no more.

Joke:
Why is Latvian throw clock out window? Will be no appointments anymore, only endure til death.

Joke:
Man is wait bread line. Wait until starve. Is very funny, yes!


Latvian Nursery rhyme..:

one potato, one potao, one potato, no more potato..
soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end.

User avatar
Phlegethon
Posts: 4518
Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2004 2:45 pm
Location: Well im Peepin and im creepin and im creep-in
Contact:

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Phlegethon » Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:54 am

oh, yea... nah

User avatar
xSUSPECTx
argumentative cunt
Posts: 10959
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 12:18 pm
Location: the straight edge

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby xSUSPECTx » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:04 am

Image
Carly Ngarotata-Simon wrote:U misd two commas u illiterate fuk. It should read...mainstream, whilst at the same time, ... Who da dumb cunt now. Im bilingual. I can txt speak n also write in 'proper' english havin bn a legal secretary 4 13 years. So im actualy fukn streams ahead in inteligence ova u. Plus i hav a life! I dnt waste my time typing evry leta out cos i have a life! Dum ass. Peace, im out. Hahahahaha

Spots2012 wrote:do animal rights activists vehemently oppose Maori eating pigs etc, or are they willing to let that one slide?

User avatar
akaxo
Posts: 8544
Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2005 11:28 am
Location: antichristchurch

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby akaxo » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:14 am

Spots2012 wrote:Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.
that one made me laugh for some reason.



who's the best ever jewish cook?

hitler
We must secure the extinction of all people and no future for any children

User avatar
FC
Orange Ska Dork
Posts: 20816
Joined: Mon May 09, 2005 4:37 pm
Location: Manchester
Contact:

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby FC » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:16 am

Yeah, that was the only mildly amusing one. The rest were kind of repetitive, and quite racist, as opposed to mildly amusing, and quite racist.
PertHJ wrote:I disagree with Aidans divergence from ska music, but agree with his correct use of scientific terms


Ois II Men|Hatewanx|XfrankgrimesX

User avatar
akaxo
Posts: 8544
Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2005 11:28 am
Location: antichristchurch

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby akaxo » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:18 am

and it had rape in it. rape is generally always pretty funny.
We must secure the extinction of all people and no future for any children

User avatar
Rude Mike
Posts: 1570
Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:26 am
Location: WEST FUCKN SIDE

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Rude Mike » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:10 am

Russian jokes aren't funny unless you're Russian, telling them to other Russians. Or you're that famous Russian comedian. And even then, he's not that hilarious tbh.

Jeez.
PILLAGE - http://www.myspace.com/pillagegppvt
Thrashing grinding powerviolence coming straight at you at the speed of death.

CFH
Posts: 1375
Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2005 5:58 pm

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby CFH » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:51 am

I thought they were funny. in particular

Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

BigBadBazza
Posts: 793
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2006 7:49 pm

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby BigBadBazza » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:57 am

get a room
Salvador Dali wrote:Everyone should eat hashish, but only once.

User avatar
Craig_Bastard
Posts: 6364
Joined: Tue Sep 24, 2002 8:10 pm
Location: New Plymouth
Contact:

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Craig_Bastard » Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:07 pm

In Soviet Russia (And modern day New Zealand) Spots is the joke.
http://thestungrenades.bandcamp.com
SHUT UP,
PUT YOUR DENIM ON
AND STAY FREE.

Marrow wrote:Its the recession, buying drinks for people then finding out they have shit taste in music isn't economically viable.

normotheclown
Posts: 191
Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2008 1:15 pm
Location: in the heart of Takaro Hardcore

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby normotheclown » Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:40 pm

unfortunatly it's a really fucking sad one....
SRI SYADASTI SYADAVAKTAVYA SYADASTI SYANNASTI SYADASTI CAVAKTAVYASCA SYADASTI SYANNASTI SYADAVATAVYASCA SYADASTI SYANNASTI SYADAVAKTAVYASCA

All affirmations are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense.

User avatar
General Mutante
Posts: 9850
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 4:57 pm
Location: Beyond the Thunderdome...
Contact:

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby General Mutante » Tue Jul 20, 2010 5:53 pm

A man went into an urologist & told him he was having a problem as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful...

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'.


Courtesy of Mutante the Elder (75).
Little Miss Twoshoes wrote:Violent period sex is a pretty good indicator that you're into someone, I think

FC wrote:I like that the swearing is removed. That's gangsta.

http://carnival01.bandcamp.com/

User avatar
Rude Mike
Posts: 1570
Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:26 am
Location: WEST FUCKN SIDE

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Rude Mike » Tue Jul 20, 2010 5:55 pm

Heard it, it's better when it's just sneaking around under the table and bumps her leg :lol:
PILLAGE - http://www.myspace.com/pillagegppvt
Thrashing grinding powerviolence coming straight at you at the speed of death.

User avatar
melpomene
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2005 2:01 pm
Location: The wellster

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby melpomene » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:04 am

Skinny little Paddy goes into a lift, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees little Paddy staring at him, he looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 35 stone, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

Paddy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says,

"What's wrong with you ?"

In a weak voice Paddy says,

'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big man says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 35 stone, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

"Turner Brown?...Sweet Jazus,

I tought you said, “Turn around “
If we cut up beasts simply because they cannot prevent us and because we are backing our own side in the struggle for existence, it is only logical to cut up imbeciles, criminals, enemies, or capitalists for the same reasons.
--C. S. Lewis (novelist and essayist)

"What I think about vivisection is that if people admit that they have the right to take or endanger the life of living beings for the benefit of many, there will be no limit to their cruelty."
--Leo Tolstoy, author

User avatar
Grave Dancer
Posts: 10020
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2002 11:13 am
Location: faggot cunt

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby Grave Dancer » Tue Aug 17, 2010 3:09 pm

dyslexic walks into a bra
Image

User avatar
snuff
Information Highway Patrol
Posts: 11349
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2002 6:56 pm
Location: Vault 101

Re: punkas title for the best joke

Postby snuff » Sun Aug 29, 2010 2:43 pm

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

A: I don't cum on an orange before I skin and eat it.
I guess you really need to ask yourself... What Would Graeme Do?


Return to “Miscellaneous”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests