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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 9:31 pm
by Fiction & Falsehood
Bloke buys a parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm a skinhead and I'm hard as fuck."
So he puts a kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead, and the parrot says: "I'm a skinhead and I'm hard as fuck." So the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks in the cage, the parrot says: "Had to take me coat off for that cunt."

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 4:53 pm
by Dead Kid
What did St. Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

Are you alright in the back there, lads?

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:08 pm
by Dead Kid
Why shouldn't you go to the Ukraine wearing only boxers?
Chernobyl fallout.

Every night, Sanjay the wife-beating Indian punches his wife at 7.30pm... on the dot.

I passed my hearing test with flying colours.
Don't laugh, I suffer from synaesthesia.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:00 pm
by FC
Last joke is great.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:01 am
by Dead Kid
0X That one's a DK original!

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:50 pm
by Fiction & Falsehood
What's blue and doesn't fit anymore? A dead epileptic.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Mon May 13, 2013 11:32 am
by Dead Kid
Your mom is so fat that even if Planck's constant was 1 Js, she still wouldn't be able to quantum tunnel through a potential of any significance.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Tue May 14, 2013 7:24 am
by PertHJ
:lol:

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:04 pm
by Philfy Vermin
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred.

"Okay," I replied.

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, cipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a cunt?"

"I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!".

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 1:46 pm
by Dead Kid
Black humour is like access to safe drinking water and basic healthcare. Some people will just never get it.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 5:50 pm
by PertHJ
Two Wales walk into a bar, they turn to the guy telling the joke and say

actually it's Welsh

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:17 pm
by Window Licker
Q: What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

A: Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 10:20 pm
by undercover
woman walks up to a bartender and orders a double entendre

.....so he gives her one!

:calavcalav:

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:35 am
by Dead Kid
What's the toughest thing about being a Mall Santa?
Convincing kids to sit in your lap during the other 11 months of the year.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2014 5:59 pm
by General Mutante
What did the inflatable principal of the inflatable school say to the inflatable boy with the pin?

"You've let me down, you've let yourself down and perhaps most disappointingly of all you've let the whole school down."

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2014 8:57 pm
by PertHJ
:explainittomelikeimfive: I lolled

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2014 9:24 pm
by Little Miss Twoshoes
Haha, terrible.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Thu May 15, 2014 8:08 pm
by spazgrinder
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the road
a young boy is walking towards them accross the street
the priest says to the rabbi "we should go over there and fuck him"
the rabbi looks the boy up and down and replies "Out of what?"

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 11:14 pm
by spazgrinder
General Mutante wrote:What did the inflatable principal of the inflatable school say to the inflatable boy with the pin?

"You've let me down, you've let yourself down and perhaps most disappointingly of all you've let the whole school down."

Thats fuckin deep cuz, i'm not sure if i'm the school or the pin.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Thu May 07, 2015 3:28 pm
by Dead Kid
My joke about my pocket mirror is so terrible that I'm just gonna leave the house in disgust.

...I'll see myself out.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2016 2:02 pm
by Dead Kid
An explorer travelling in an African jungle stumbles across a dead Tyrannosaurus rex. Gazing up, he's stunned by the sight of a pygmy standing atop it with a little wooden club.

"How on Earth did you manage to kill this mighty beast?'' exclaims the professor.

"With my club!" answers the pygmy.

"Impossible! You're pulling my leg!" laughs the professor.

"Well, there was five thousand of us in our tribe when we started" sighs the pygmy.

Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 12:50 pm
by Dead Kid
I once worked in a helium depot. The job was dangerous because the cylinders leaked frequently, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.


Little Johnny was sent home from school because he shat his pants in class.
As his mother was picking him up, she asked: "Why didn't you excuse yourself to go to the loo?"
Little Johnny replied: "A turtle was poking its head out and I was scared of passing its shell!"