free shit jokes and stuff

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dclxvi
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby dclxvi » Tue Apr 26, 2011 1:24 am

my dad would love that joke. he turns 71 this year.
Kerry wrote:Then at an old age, the neighbour's dog thought it would be crakup to maul him and he died so we chucked him up in the ground.


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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby PertHJ » Wed Apr 27, 2011 5:48 pm

Will you make him a nice birthday card with that joke inside?
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NOIDEAWOTEVER
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby NOIDEAWOTEVER » Thu Apr 28, 2011 8:29 pm

Got this email from my Dad the other day.

"Scam warning!

I just paid $25 for a DVD of Tiger Woods called 'My favourite 18 holes'. Turns out its all about golf.

Please pass this on so other people don't get burned."

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby mmmm....good crack » Thu Apr 28, 2011 8:36 pm

my dad once asked me..

"what do women and clouds have in common?"

"when they both fuck off its a beautiful day"
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daggers
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby daggers » Fri Apr 29, 2011 2:25 pm

I love that joke. I turn 24 this year.
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby dclxvi » Wed May 18, 2011 1:33 am

Sorry I meant the badge joke... not Deadkid's equally unfunny contribution.
Kerry wrote:Then at an old age, the neighbour's dog thought it would be crakup to maul him and he died so we chucked him up in the ground.


Cosmo Kramer wrote:i have full qualifications (john grisham novels 1-10) and i am yet to sit the bar exam but i know i will pass

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Dead Kid
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Wed May 18, 2011 11:36 am

dclxvi wrote:Sorry I meant the badge joke... not Deadkid's equally unfunny contribution.

That's a shame. It was funny when we all thought your 71-year-old dad was a porn fiend.
"So you think you're floating in mint sauce son"

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Horus
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Horus » Mon Jul 18, 2011 1:09 am

The Horse, The Chicken & The Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy, and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby wassup rockers » Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:46 am

jcddddhbvwbbyhvb bfbd

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Re: free shit jokes and stuffr

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:34 am

i still wouldnt mind having a harley
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby arkie » Fri Jul 22, 2011 3:33 pm

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Sat Oct 29, 2011 1:39 pm

A man has been admitted to hospital with 16 toy horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Cosmo Kramer » Tue Nov 15, 2011 3:48 pm

Dead Kid wrote:A man has been admitted to hospital with 16 toy horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.




:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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akaxo
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby akaxo » Thu Dec 29, 2011 6:23 pm

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt.
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Re:

Postby mark tyler » Thu Dec 29, 2011 9:07 pm

phaedrus wrote:
peace_anarchist wrote:Yeah I know you probably think I'm being too serious.


Nah, but I've noticed a lot of people seem to think they become much more important than they have been in the past when they have a kid... like it's a free ticket to tell other people how to act. Don't make noises, I've got my kid here! Don't drink, there's a baby here! OMG, I can't belive those anarcha-feminists organised a conference and didn't think about making it child friendly!

Perhaps if you don't appreciate it you can choose to not take part in this particular discussion, and take part in the ones that you find more to your liking. That is if everyone else is still allowed an opinion.

p.s. being a parent doesn't actually make you special, it just means you've figured out how to fuck.


What a brilliant post. Where did Phaedrus disappear to anyway?
Great thread.
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Horus
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Horus » Thu Dec 29, 2011 9:15 pm

:lol:

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby ghetto ninja » Sat Jan 07, 2012 4:11 pm

Phaedrus just lives on Facebook now. He's cultivated one helluva beard.
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Grave » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:59 pm

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Shhhut up."

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Horus » Sat Jan 14, 2012 4:16 pm

Sheep Farmer


A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

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Dead Kid
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:10 pm

I used to have a red boat, but it got marooned.
"So you think you're floating in mint sauce son"

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Sun Feb 26, 2012 7:24 pm

I took a girl home from town last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet."
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Sun Mar 04, 2012 6:45 am

A Catholic priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar

He orders a beer
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Kramazubg
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Kramazubg » Wed Mar 21, 2012 8:45 pm

I met a mushroom at the bar last night, at first i thought he was a dick but it turns out he was a real fun guy...
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Fri Jun 22, 2012 4:01 pm

If John had 50 candy bars and ate 45, what does he have now?



...Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Cosmo Kramer » Wed Jun 27, 2012 3:03 pm

ghetto ninja wrote:Phaedrus just lives on Facebook now. He's cultivated one helluva beard.



yup he is around in wellington all the time causing all sorts of beer drinking :baton:

you will see him in welly Eddie !!

ololol
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Sat Jul 07, 2012 8:50 am

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Fri Aug 31, 2012 10:27 am

Ok so there was this guy and he walked into a place where they were selling stuff. He walked up to an employee and said "hey, where can I buy some waffles?" The store employee said "we don't sell waffles but we sell sausages?"
The guy replied "Well I really wanted some waffles." The store employee said "Sorry we don't have those." Then the guy said "Hey, I think I'd like 2 sausages please" The store employee said "ok" and then proceeded to sell the guy two sausages. Then they guy said "Hey where can I get some Waffles?" so the store employee said "at the store on 6th avenue". The guy then left the store and walked down a few blocks to 6th Ave. When he got there they had waffles and he was happy because of this. Some dude was walking by that worked there so the guy said "Hey do you have pepsi?" The dude said "nah we only got Coke products" this made the guy very angry so flipped over some random shit that was beside him and kill the dude with a knife. The end.

:lol:
"So you think you're floating in mint sauce son"

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Fri Aug 31, 2012 10:55 am

why the fuck am i laughing?
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Dead Kid
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Fri Aug 31, 2012 1:33 pm

Funny shit jokes.


“I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.”

That’s the way Green County Sheriff’s deputy Marcus Horna describes it. The incident he refers to happened last wednesday on highway 311 near the Ghor Rd. intersection. Janice Behr was pulled over on the shoulder because her tire blew out. Behr called 911 for assistance and Deputy Horna responded to the call.

As he approached the vehicle, Deputy Horna was caught on dashcam footage violating a department policy. Footage shows him walk out of his car with a cigarette clearly dangling from his left hand. Behr, who works for a BP station, had just delivered some plastic cans of gasoline to a local hardware store because of a special trade arrangement the two businesses share. Unknown to Behr, some gas had splashed out onto her back seat. Dashcam footage then shows Deputy Horna, with total disregard for Behr’s vehicle, flick his cigarette into the back seat of her car.

“It seemed managable and this is my only car,” is the excuse Behr offers for trying to put the fire out instead of leaving the car. Footage shows her lean into the back seat and begin smacking at the flames while Deputy Horna looks on. After some seconds, flames can be seen moving to the front seat, where Behr’s right sleeve catches fire. She then runs out of the vehicle in a panic, waving her arm around like something out of a movie.

But what happens next is the most surprising. Footage shows Deputy Horna rush over to Behr, where he grabs her by the neck and throws her to the ground. Behr believed that Horna was trying to put her out, which he did, but only because he was handcuffing her. Incredibly, Behr can be heard on camera wailing in agonizing pain while Horna drags her up by the very arm that was burning and pulls her back to his patrol car.

When asked to defend his actions Deputy Horna repeated his earlier statement, “I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.” When pressed for further comment he added, “The woman leaped out the car with her arm on fire and was whirling about like a maniac so I cuffed her and charged her. It is against the law to do that, you can’t run around with your arm in flames, so I charged her.”

And what was the charge?

“Illegal use of a fire arm,” Horna says.
"So you think you're floating in mint sauce son"

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Fri Aug 31, 2012 2:19 pm

hahahaah, that ones going to faecebook
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