free shit jokes and stuff

[dclxvi]

Sorry I meant the badge joke... not Deadkid's equally unfunny contribution.

[Dead Kid]

Sorry I meant the badge joke... not Deadkid's equally unfunny contribution.

That's a shame. It was funny when we all thought your 71-year-old dad was a porn fiend.

[Horus]

The Horse, The Chicken & The Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy, and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

[wassup rockers]

jcddddhbvwbbyhvb bfbd

[Fiction & Falsehood]

i still wouldnt mind having a harley

[arkie]

[Dead Kid]

A man has been admitted to hospital with 16 toy horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.

[Cosmo Kramer]

A man has been admitted to hospital with 16 toy horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.

[akaxo]

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt.

[mark tyler]

Yeah I know you probably think I'm being too serious.

Nah, but I've noticed a lot of people seem to think they become much more important than they have been in the past when they have a kid... like it's a free ticket to tell other people how to act. Don't make noises, I've got my kid here! Don't drink, there's a baby here! OMG, I can't belive those anarcha-feminists organised a conference and didn't think about making it child friendly!

Perhaps if you don't appreciate it you can choose to not take part in this particular discussion, and take part in the ones that you find more to your liking. That is if everyone else is still allowed an opinion.

p.s. being a parent doesn't actually make you special, it just means you've figured out how to fuck.

What a brilliant post. Where did Phaedrus disappear to anyway?
Great thread.

[Horus]

[ghetto ninja]

Phaedrus just lives on Facebook now. He's cultivated one helluva beard.

[Grave]

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Shhhut up."

[Horus]

Sheep Farmer


A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

[Dead Kid]

I used to have a red boat, but it got marooned.

[Fiction & Falsehood]

I took a girl home from town last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet."

[Fiction & Falsehood]

A Catholic priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar

He orders a beer

[Kramazubg]

I met a mushroom at the bar last night, at first i thought he was a dick but it turns out he was a real fun guy...

[Dead Kid]

If John had 50 candy bars and ate 45, what does he have now?



...Diabetes. John has diabetes.

[Cosmo Kramer]

Phaedrus just lives on Facebook now. He's cultivated one helluva beard.

yup he is around in wellington all the time causing all sorts of beer drinking

you will see him in welly Eddie !!

ololol

[Fiction & Falsehood]

[Dead Kid]

Ok so there was this guy and he walked into a place where they were selling stuff. He walked up to an employee and said "hey, where can I buy some waffles?" The store employee said "we don't sell waffles but we sell sausages?"
The guy replied "Well I really wanted some waffles." The store employee said "Sorry we don't have those." Then the guy said "Hey, I think I'd like 2 sausages please" The store employee said "ok" and then proceeded to sell the guy two sausages. Then they guy said "Hey where can I get some Waffles?" so the store employee said "at the store on 6th avenue". The guy then left the store and walked down a few blocks to 6th Ave. When he got there they had waffles and he was happy because of this. Some dude was walking by that worked there so the guy said "Hey do you have pepsi?" The dude said "nah we only got Coke products" this made the guy very angry so flipped over some random shit that was beside him and kill the dude with a knife. The end.

[Fiction & Falsehood]

why the fuck am i laughing?

[Dead Kid]

Funny shit jokes.

“I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.”

That’s the way Green County Sheriff’s deputy Marcus Horna describes it. The incident he refers to happened last wednesday on highway 311 near the Ghor Rd. intersection. Janice Behr was pulled over on the shoulder because her tire blew out. Behr called 911 for assistance and Deputy Horna responded to the call.

As he approached the vehicle, Deputy Horna was caught on dashcam footage violating a department policy. Footage shows him walk out of his car with a cigarette clearly dangling from his left hand. Behr, who works for a BP station, had just delivered some plastic cans of gasoline to a local hardware store because of a special trade arrangement the two businesses share. Unknown to Behr, some gas had splashed out onto her back seat. Dashcam footage then shows Deputy Horna, with total disregard for Behr’s vehicle, flick his cigarette into the back seat of her car.

“It seemed managable and this is my only car,” is the excuse Behr offers for trying to put the fire out instead of leaving the car. Footage shows her lean into the back seat and begin smacking at the flames while Deputy Horna looks on. After some seconds, flames can be seen moving to the front seat, where Behr’s right sleeve catches fire. She then runs out of the vehicle in a panic, waving her arm around like something out of a movie.

But what happens next is the most surprising. Footage shows Deputy Horna rush over to Behr, where he grabs her by the neck and throws her to the ground. Behr believed that Horna was trying to put her out, which he did, but only because he was handcuffing her. Incredibly, Behr can be heard on camera wailing in agonizing pain while Horna drags her up by the very arm that was burning and pulls her back to his patrol car.

When asked to defend his actions Deputy Horna repeated his earlier statement, “I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.” When pressed for further comment he added, “The woman leaped out the car with her arm on fire and was whirling about like a maniac so I cuffed her and charged her. It is against the law to do that, you can’t run around with your arm in flames, so I charged her.”

And what was the charge?

“Illegal use of a fire arm,” Horna says.

[Fiction & Falsehood]

hahahaah, that ones going to faecebook

[Fiction & Falsehood]

Bloke buys a parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm a skinhead and I'm hard as fuck."
So he puts a kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead, and the parrot says: "I'm a skinhead and I'm hard as fuck." So the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks in the cage, the parrot says: "Had to take me coat off for that cunt."

[Dead Kid]

What did St. Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

Are you alright in the back there, lads?

[Dead Kid]

Why shouldn't you go to the Ukraine wearing only boxers?
Chernobyl fallout.

Every night, Sanjay the wife-beating Indian punches his wife at 7.30pm... on the dot.

I passed my hearing test with flying colours.
Don't laugh, I suffer from synaesthesia.

[FC]

Last joke is great.

[Dead Kid]

That one's a DK original!