free shit jokes and stuff

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xsfat
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby xsfat » Sun Nov 08, 2009 6:42 pm

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The lady of the house decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
'Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

meatmurder
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby meatmurder » Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:44 pm

lol
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Simon O
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Simon O » Sat Dec 05, 2009 6:46 pm

Why did the elephant paint its toe nails red?

To hide in the strawberry patch.

Why did the elephant paint its toe nails different colors?

To hide in a pack of Skittles.

Why did the elephant paint its toe nails Yellow?

To hide upside down in your custard.

Have you ever found an elephant in your custard?

Works huh.

How do you know there is an elephant in your custard?

It's Lumpy.

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Phlegethon
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Phlegethon » Tue Dec 15, 2009 4:05 pm

good grief..

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MuscleMan
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby MuscleMan » Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:15 pm

That joke ruined christmas, fuck you.

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vibri
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby vibri » Mon Jan 04, 2010 12:45 am

rofl rofl
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xSUSPECTx
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby xSUSPECTx » Fri Jan 29, 2010 8:58 pm

Tummler: Know what Im doing tomorrow?
Solomon: What?
Tummler: Going to an insane asylum.
Solomon: Insane asylum?
Tummler: Gonna get me a raving beauty.

xsfat
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby xsfat » Sat Apr 03, 2010 5:29 pm

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assume that there is a ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.

None. Just assume that the lightbulb works.

Eight. One to change the lightbulb, and seven to hold everything else constant.

None. The market will do it…

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General Mutante
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby General Mutante » Thu May 20, 2010 12:26 am

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None: It is historically inevitable that the light bulb will rise up and change itself, all that is required is to sell the newspaper and build the Party.
Little Miss Twoshoes wrote:Violent period sex is a pretty good indicator that you're into someone, I think

FC wrote:I like that the swearing is removed. That's gangsta.

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Martli
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Martli » Thu May 20, 2010 5:06 pm

How many light bulbs does it take to change a woman.

One. To the face.
Cosmo Kramer wrote:key word being "probaber;y"

BigBadBazza
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby BigBadBazza » Thu May 20, 2010 8:57 pm

What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and the ash cloud over Europe?

Madeleine only fucked up one holiday.
Salvador Dali wrote:Everyone should eat hashish, but only once.

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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Simon O » Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:07 pm

So this retarded kid goes to get an ice cream.

Retard Kid: One ice cream please.

Ice Cream Man: What flavor would you like?

Retard Kid: It doesn't matter I am going to drop it anyway.

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FC
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby FC » Tue Jun 08, 2010 2:55 pm

Those last two were comedy gold.



Aidan
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BarrenEarth
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby BarrenEarth » Fri Jun 18, 2010 8:51 am

BigBadBazza wrote:What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and the ash cloud over Europe?

Madeleine only fucked up one holiday.

hahahahahahahaha
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xSUSPECTx
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby xSUSPECTx » Wed Jun 23, 2010 1:33 pm

Q. how many ears did yuri the dog the russians sent into space have?

A. ˙ɹɐǝ ʇuoɹɟ lɐuıɟ ǝɥʇ `ǝɔɐds puɐ `ɹɐǝ ʇɥƃıɹ ɐ `ɹɐǝ ʇɟǝl ɐ `ǝǝɹɥʇ
Carly Ngarotata-Simon wrote:U misd two commas u illiterate fuk. It should read...mainstream, whilst at the same time, ... Who da dumb cunt now. Im bilingual. I can txt speak n also write in 'proper' english havin bn a legal secretary 4 13 years. So im actualy fukn streams ahead in inteligence ova u. Plus i hav a life! I dnt waste my time typing evry leta out cos i have a life! Dum ass. Peace, im out. Hahahahaha

Spots2012 wrote:do animal rights activists vehemently oppose Maori eating pigs etc, or are they willing to let that one slide?

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[Tim]
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby [Tim] » Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:15 pm

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."

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buckton
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby buckton » Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:24 pm

why do Qatar want the 2020 world cup they don't even have a cricket team.
ImageImageImage

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Horus
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Horus » Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:29 am

They were given it so that a Qatar fifa bureaucrat would shut up and support the incumbent fifa president, rather than standing against him in the fifa elections next year.

The bureaucrats don't care if they have a team now. They have heaps of time to buy one before then! 8O

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combatrock
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby combatrock » Wed Dec 08, 2010 2:27 am

Only unfortunate part for that joke is that it's the 2022 World Cup...
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Horus
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Horus » Fri Mar 04, 2011 7:55 pm

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed?

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is now wearing.

The widow, however, says she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe: the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!", she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice ...

...

...

So, I just switched the heads."

===========


BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
Last edited by Horus on Thu Mar 31, 2011 1:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Dead Kid
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:46 pm

How many dubsteppers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twenty. One to screw it in, and the rest to wait for him to drop it.
"So you think you're floating in mint sauce son"

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Horus
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Horus » Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:53 pm

What did the mother whale tell her kids when she heard that the polar ice caps are melting?







Beach yourselves, it's getting too deep.

Fiction & Falsehood
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Sat Mar 26, 2011 3:28 pm

what?
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General Mutante
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby General Mutante » Wed Mar 30, 2011 3:28 am

Image
Little Miss Twoshoes wrote:Violent period sex is a pretty good indicator that you're into someone, I think

FC wrote:I like that the swearing is removed. That's gangsta.

http://carnival01.bandcamp.com/

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Horus
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Horus » Fri Apr 08, 2011 11:29 am

The Arrogance of Authority

Image

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"


The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

Image

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

...


...


...




"Your badge, show him your BADGE........!!"

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wassup rockers
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby wassup rockers » Fri Apr 08, 2011 11:33 am

knock knock
whos there
unfunny cunt
unfunny cunt who?
horus

Fiction & Falsehood
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Fiction & Falsehood » Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:09 pm

the second one was ok, if a wee bit older than the internet(literally)
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“There is something beautiful in seeing the poor accept their lot, to suffer it like Christ’s Passion. The world gains much from their suffering,” -Mother Theresa

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General Mutante
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby General Mutante » Sat Apr 09, 2011 2:40 am

What's not funny about a jumped up cunt getting gored by a bull?
Little Miss Twoshoes wrote:Violent period sex is a pretty good indicator that you're into someone, I think

FC wrote:I like that the swearing is removed. That's gangsta.

http://carnival01.bandcamp.com/

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mmmm....good crack
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby mmmm....good crack » Sat Apr 09, 2011 9:37 am

i laughed
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Dead Kid
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Re: free shit jokes and stuff

Postby Dead Kid » Thu Apr 14, 2011 3:51 pm

My wife reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through.
Funnily enough, I use the same system.
"So you think you're floating in mint sauce son"


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