free shit jokes and stuff

[Fiction & Falsehood]

What's blue and doesn't fit anymore? A dead epileptic.

[Dead Kid]

Your mom is so fat that even if Planck's constant was 1 Js, she still wouldn't be able to quantum tunnel through a potential of any significance.

[PertHJ]

[Philfy Vermin]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred.

"Okay," I replied.

Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, cipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a cunt?"

"I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!".

[Dead Kid]

Black humour is like access to safe drinking water and basic healthcare. Some people will just never get it.

[PertHJ]

Two Wales walk into a bar, they turn to the guy telling the joke and say

actually it's Welsh

[Window Licker]

Q: What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

A: Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window

[undercover]

woman walks up to a bartender and orders a double entendre

.....so he gives her one!

[Dead Kid]

What's the toughest thing about being a Mall Santa?
Convincing kids to sit in your lap during the other 11 months of the year.

[General Mutante]

What did the inflatable principal of the inflatable school say to the inflatable boy with the pin?

"You've let me down, you've let yourself down and perhaps most disappointingly of all you've let the whole school down."

[PertHJ]

I lolled

[Little Miss Twoshoes]

Haha, terrible.

[spazgrinder]

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the road
a young boy is walking towards them accross the street
the priest says to the rabbi "we should go over there and fuck him"
the rabbi looks the boy up and down and replies "Out of what?"

[spazgrinder]

What did the inflatable principal of the inflatable school say to the inflatable boy with the pin?

"You've let me down, you've let yourself down and perhaps most disappointingly of all you've let the whole school down."

Thats fuckin deep cuz, i'm not sure if i'm the school or the pin.

[Dead Kid]

My joke about my pocket mirror is so terrible that I'm just gonna leave the house in disgust.

...I'll see myself out.

[Dead Kid]

An explorer travelling in an African jungle stumbles across a dead Tyrannosaurus rex. Gazing up, he's stunned by the sight of a pygmy standing atop it with a little wooden club.

"How on Earth did you manage to kill this mighty beast?'' exclaims the professor.

"With my club!" answers the pygmy.

"Impossible! You're pulling my leg!" laughs the professor.

"Well, there was five thousand of us in our tribe when we started" sighs the pygmy.

[Dead Kid]

I once worked in a helium depot. The job was dangerous because the cylinders leaked frequently, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.


Little Johnny was sent home from school because he shat his pants in class.
As his mother was picking him up, she asked: "Why didn't you excuse yourself to go to the loo?"
Little Johnny replied: "A turtle was poking its head out and I was scared of passing its shell!"

[Dead Kid]

Exercise discretion while crying at a funeral, as it's much easier to rub a loose eyelash into your eye than it is to rub one out.

[Dead Kid]

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Sympathy is offering the shoes back when they chase you down the road barefoot. Compassion is discounting the offer to well below market value.

[Max]

I used to ask a lot of rhetorical questions, but honestly, what's the fucking point???

[Dead Kid]

They say it's only a crime if you get caught. It's just a shame I failed to realise that the Dubai hotel room with a clear view to offices across the street would have curtains rigged to open automatically, not only to the sound of clapping, but to the sound of me spanking a diplomat's wife as well.

[Max]

A man was admitted to A&E with 12 toy horses up his arse. Doctors described his condition as "stable".

[Dead Kid]

A man was admitted to A&E with 12 toy horses up his arse. Doctors described his condition as "stable".

I only remember posting that one because Calav loved it. I had it at 16 so I guess my dude was extra adventurous.

[Max]

Why didn't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hillary Clinton?

Because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

[Max]

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two